How Often Should My Partner and I Have Sex?

How often should you and your partner have sex? 

It’s not a new question. It’s something people have been thinking about and debating for years. Yes, it’s still a debate today, and there’s a reason for that: There is no correct answer. 

The reason this question continues to get brought up from generation to generation is that we live in a very sexualized world. People talk about it more frequently, and even if you aren’t hearing about it from friends, you’re seeing it in your media consumption. 

Sex is often stereotyped, so we’re made to believe we should be having it frequently in order to be happy. But, that isn’t necessarily true. 

Let’s dive a little deeper into what’s considered healthy or how often you should be having sex, and why it’s important not to give into the pressure of doing so. 

Finding a Baseline

If you really want an “answer” to this question, most people agree that a good baseline for having sex is about once a week. However, if you haven’t had sex with your partner in a month, don’t let that bring you concern or cause you to think your relationship is in trouble. 

It’s important to find a “baseline” that works for you and your partner. If that’s once a week, that’s great. However, that might not be feasible for your schedule, needs, and/or wants. The best thing you can do is to talk to your partner about how often you’d like to be having sex. 

It’s not always an easy conversation, especially if you feel like you’ve been in a “dry spell” lately. However, you might be surprised by their answer, and it’s often easier to come to a decision about what works for you when you’re both willing to open up about your needs and wants. 

When Should You Be Concerned? 

Instead of worrying about how often you have sex, shift your perspective to why you might not be having it as often as you’d like. If you’re only having sex 10 times a year, experts would say you’re in a “sexless” marriage. But, if that’s what truly works for you and your partner, it’s okay!

However, if you want to be having more sex, consider the factors keeping you from it. 

Do you both have busy schedules? Are you spending all of your free time taking care of kids? Maybe you’re feeling disconnected in your relationship, or there are underlying issues with your partner you haven’t directly addressed. 

When you start to think about the reason(s) you’re not having sex, it becomes clearer whether it’s a problem or not. 

What Can You Do? 

Again, the best thing you can do is to talk to your partner about it. Vulnerability in relationships is never easy, but it’s actually one of the best tools for building intimacy. 

Frequent sex isn’t required in a relationship. However, it’s a way to express your love and care for your partner. If you’re doing that in other ways, your relationship might not “need” sex as often in order to be fulfilling. That being said, if sex is something you want more of, don’t wait until you’re in the bedroom to bring it up. 

Instead, carve out time to boost your intimacy with your partner. Don’t be afraid to express your needs and wants, and address any issues you’re worried about within your relationship. After all, as relationship and sex expert Esther Perel once said, foreplay begins the second the last orgasm ends.

If you’re having a hard time opening up, that’s okay. You don’t have to do it on your own. Consider working with a therapist on your own or as a couple to get to the root issues.

Please contact Integrative Psychotherapy Group for more information or to set up an appointment soon.